As daylight decreases in this region of the world, we are pulled with even greater momentum toward the inner sanctum of our being. It is the time of year when many of us are given to the deepest descents.
I wake each morning before first light and find my way through dim passages to my seat in the quiet darkness. I have resisted and hungered for this surrender, for this deep pause in sacred silence where the whisperings of my heart and soul can be voiced and heard.
My peripheral vision is crowded with the messengers I have been avoiding. In the quiet darkness they move to center to be in conversation with me. I feel my aloneness in this space, aware that I am the only rightful host to these clamoring guests. I have given them life and they are here to do their purifying work on my behalf.
They enter me through the stillness – the shrill, the mournful, frenzied, desperate vocalizations that in the light of day, I thought I could not bear. These voices can overtake me, some seem like they could completely annihilate me.
If I can be bravely present to them, in the end they sweep my heart clean. My life can speak to me again with clarity and without the manipulation of my ego attempting to protect itself from its inevitable shattering.
I resolve that I have come to this life to awaken. I consent to these times when the path before me seems arduous, when my past elicits regret in me, when idealism folds. I bear witness to this intense life review. I invoked this healing, this dissolving of all that is not based in truth.
I am relieved as I peel back my own image from the mirror and see a nameless and insignificant face, and recognize simply a heart of love and a steadily evolving consciousness. I devote my life to this return.
Predawn moments in silence and observation bolden the awakening soul. During the first 10 minutes, I command the session, then they appear at the door – one by one. Eventually, they make it in and I do my best to stare beyond them. I practice my favorite asanas, the sun peaks from over the hill and a rush of thought seemingly strips my consciousness away.
Recently, I am struggling to keep emotions in check and understand how to let them foster while maintaining awareness.
For example, I find myself purposely avoiding to listen to the radio or music that I enjoy because it stirs emotion which leads to thinking about life, people, past, future and perhaps causing me to rethink decisions, plan new ones, a running of the mind – all time away from the present.
That energetic emotion is rich, and can make me so happy to be alive.
Maintaining awareness provides a level of peace that otherwise seems unobtainable.
Are these mutually exclusive??? I seem to be confronting that question right now.
Ironically, I found a song that considers the challenges of dealing with an unconscious mind and offers imagery and ideals on forging ahead to consciousness. His voice and music make it the perfect package.
All the thoughts,… You never see,… You’re always thinking,…
Brain is wired,… Brain is deep,… Oh are you sinking?,…
Feel the path of every day,… Which road you taking?,…
Breathing hard,… & Making hay,… Yeh this is living,…
Look for love & evidence,… That you’re worth keeping,…
Swallowed whole in negatives,… It’s so sad & sickening,…
Feel the air up above,… A pool of blue sky,…
Fill the air up with love,… Black w/starlight,…
Feel the sky blanket you,… w/gems & rhinestones,…
See the path cut by the moon,… For you to walk on,…
For you to walk on,…
Nothing left,… Nothing left,…
Nothing there,… Nothing left,…
See the path cut by the moon,… For you to walk on,…
See the waves on distant shores,… Awaiting your arrival,…
Dream the dreams of other men,… You’ll be no ones rival,…
Dream the dreams of others then,… You will be no ones rival,…
You will be no ones rival,…
A distant time,… A distant space,… That’s where we’re living ..
A distant time,… A distant place,… So what you giving?,…
What you giving?
Unthought Known
E. Vedder
Once again, c, you provide such rich, thoughtful commentary. I once heard Jai Uttal say something to the effect that our emotions are the way that the divine communicates with us, messages from the beyond, communication from the soul…
If we were to agree with this, then we would acknowledge and revere every emotion that arises, be absolutely present with it. And if we could have absolute presence with it, then how could we be swept away from ourselves and the moment?
The work of refining emotion can only happen through the experience of it.
I love what you say, “That energetic emotion is rich, and can make me so happy to be alive. Maintaining awareness provides a level of peace that otherwise seems unobtainable.
Are these mutually exclusive???” I guess that I believe they are absolutely wed to one another and an aspect of the rich unfolding dialogue witin the human – spirit.
Have you had more thoughts on this? These are great questions. Thank you!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks since your reply, and I’m beginning to see your point.
I tend to take some of these concepts to the extreme to see where they break or hold…
I had meditated on a vision of awaking at a point in deep space, the dot of blue earth way off in the distance. Nothing to think about or consider. I’m present and fully cognizant of the vast abyss – my attention fills the void.
There, I wander between a sense of profound awe at the dominance of being and a sense of loneliness, the latter of which seems to generate thoughts of who I miss, feelings and emotions I share.
I tend to think those feelings and emotion break the peace – or at least make it a challenge to maintain presence – as thoughts of loss and change threaten the love I have for individuals. And we know where that fear can take us.
But as you say, being present with those emotions is part of the equation. It is not as simple as cutting off everything we love in order to achieve divine spiritual peace. Presence must embrace all of it…the silent peace and the raw pleasure and pain of human life, I suppose.